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The Way It Really Is
by Mija

Entry Two: 23 June 1985. Rating: Mostly Unfair.

I think my dad was in a bad mood today. I mean, he came home from work and I'm sitting on the floor in the TV room sorting my paper doll clothes. He's mad and yells out "who left the garage door open?" My mom says "Anne must have when she came home from bike riding". (Thanks mom! NOT!!) So then he's like yelling my name.

I came in right away because not coming in right away makes him come get me which is totally not good.

"Did you leave the garage door up??" he said. I was like "I don't know." Because I didn't.

Then he was all, "Why don't you know?? Haven't I told you to pull it down?" I nod. Because he has. But I don't remember if I did or not. And I'm not supposed to lie. I would have put it down if I remembered. And I told him that too.

Which was not fresh. I really was sorry.

But this wasn't enough. And he starts yelling about me not doing what I'm told and asks me again if I left the door up. And by now I'm totally mad because I was just sitting in the TV room and playing and now I'm being yelled at. So I said, "I didn't mean to leave it open but I don't remember if I closed it. Sorry."

Okay, that doesn't sound bad to me. But my dad said I was using THAT TONE WITH HIM and not to. So I was just quiet. I don't even know what THAT TONE sounds like. I hate not being able to talk and started crying a little. Which I think is what he wanted and told me to go get him the paddle from the kitchen pantry.

This is just so unfair. I'm not supposed to get spanked for anything but lying and stuff like that. So I go get it and and now I'm really crying and try and tell him that he said I was spanked for stuff like lying, not for like forgetting to do stuff. And he's still mad and tells me not to talk back and that if I can't remember stuff like closing the garage door then he's only going to tell me once from now on. And that not following directions was disobeying him.

But it isn't really disobeying if you mean to do it and forget. That's what I think anyway.

The worst part about being spanked other than the spanking is taking your shorts down knowing that you're going to be spanked. My hands don't work right and I'm all scared and crying and need to wipe my nose.

Sometimes taking down my shorts or jeans is enough. But not today. Today he said, "Those too", which means my underpants also. I'm not exactly embarrassed though kinda but it just feels weird like I should be in the bathroom but instead he's got me over his knees and starts the spanking. I'm mad so I clench my teeth until they're about to break trying not to yell.

I always wish I could be brave and show him he can't really hurt me. Prove I can do what I want.

Today I imagined I was an Indian princess being tortured and tried to show a lot of pride by not yelling or crying. This is easier to do in my head and so I'd only counted 26 when I couldn't stop myself from sniffing and asking him to stop. But I shouldn't have because he didn't. And my mom just stood there even though she must have known this wasn't fair. I think she likes him to hit me. I hate them both.

When he finished he told me to pick up my junk and go to bed. I pulled everything up, kissed them good night, grabbed all my dolls and went to my room even though it was only 6:30. That's too early for bed but I didn't care because I didn't want to be with them anyway. From under my covers I listened to the TV and made up what was on. I bet mine was better.

He came up later and stared at me for a while. I pretended to be asleep but I could feel him watching.

When I have a kid I'm never going to spank or yell at her because I'm in a bad mood. And when they ask me why I never take them to see their grandparents I'll tell them how mean they were.

Maybe they'll even get to read this for proof.

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