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The Way It Really Is
by Mija

Entry Twelve: 13 October 1985. Rating: None.

Maybe it was dumb, but this afternoon I decided to run away and I packed some stuff, wrote mom and dad a note, and thought I'd go to the train station and then go back to San Diego and live with Nana and Grandpa. Then I could go to my old school again where my old friends all know me and don't care that I'm so weird. My mom and dad always say that if we didn't like it in their house we could leave. So I wanted to go.

No one here likes me and I can't tell anyone how out of it I am because, well, I just would seem so lame and I'm too old for my teacher to tell the other kids to be friends with me now. Plus, I'm not doing well at this school either.

Anyway, they were all watching tv in the den and I took my bag and headed very quietly out the front door. When it closed I felt scared because I knew that I couldn't ever go back.

I was unlucky because just as I got to the street my dad comes out to get something from his car and calls me over. I came even though what I wanted to do was run, but I knew he'd chase me. He asked where I was going and I said, "just for a walk", and then what was in my bag and I was like, "well, just stuff." But he looked in and saw and I said I hated it here and was running away. And of course I started to cry.

He took me by the arm really hard and his fingers left marks and pulled me back into the house and called my mom into the living room so I could tell her what I was doing. She wanted to know where I would go and I explained I wanted to go back to San Diego where my friends are and live with Nana. Dad asked if I'd miss them and I said yes, even though I wouldn't. They asked if I had the money for the train and I showed them my $26.00. He took it.

He said that I couldn't leave, that I live with them and that we lived here now. Then he went with me back to my room and we put my things away but I hid the note in my drawers. I was crying because I knew I couldn't go and I was stuck here. But I wanted to leave so much. He said I could invite my old friends to visit.

He sat next to me on the bed and I got all tense because I was sure he was going to punish me. But instead he just hugged me very tight and said that I should go to sleep and I'd feel better in the morning. But that I'd be in a lot of trouble if I ever ran away.

I said okay because I was so glad not to be spanked. But they won't be okay. I'm lame for crying so much.

After he left I went to my bottom drawer and got the red afghan Nana made me. It smells minty like her. I got this diary too so I could write about this not-spanking.

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